It’s that time of year again, where I dive right back into the depths of my despair, despite how hard I try to avoid it. Just the thought of Christmas often makes my stomach quench.

There was a point in time when thanksgiving dinner ended, i would immediately beg my mom to buy a Christmas tree just so I could decorate it right away. A time where I would fall asleep to my “Alvin and the Chipmunks” Christmas cd every night in December. There was a time where i relied on my advent calendars to count down the days until Christmas for me, a time where I would lie awake in bed on Christmas eve anxious for Santa to come, anxious to open my gifts.  A time where everything was much simpler than it is now, where I was oblivious to the hectic thoughts and chaos around me. A time so cheerful it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it now. 

Every year as the days inch towards that godforsaken date, I inch ever closer to the hollow pit I so desperately try to hide from. It’s that time of year again…a time I now choose to avoid. The darkest of days amongst the brightest of them. At this point, Iam utterly lost, everything I’ve ever known both new and old no longer make any sense to me. I’ve slowly but surely lost all trust in essentially anyone “close” to me and most probably will never learn to fully trust anyone again. 

There was a time where I was optimistic and animated, a time where I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and trusted anyone who would let me trust them. A time where I was young and naive. A time I will never get back. There was a time.